Exposing the hidden traits of the covert narcissist, understanding passive – aggressive manipulation, and finding validation for emotional abuse survivors.
This doesn’t mean the fight is over when the marriage ends. A Narcissist will do what they can to drag the process and withhold what you are entitled to.
If you are in the early stages of divorce, have decided to file, be sure to find an excellent lawyer, one who understands Narcissism; they will be able to help you and will see through the games. Do not tell the Narcissist that you intend to file!
A Narcissist will be charming, maybe even compliant to you, your lawyer, and even the judge. Their goal is to portray you as someone unreliable and unstable. While they appear innocent.
Complete a separation agreement; if you share children, the lawyer will need their date of birth to determine if they are eligible for child support.
Calculate your expenses, divide whatever property you share, but communicate with your lawyer about what they need from you.
Any communication from your spouse should only go through your attorney. They will speak on your behalf. This will ease some of the anxiety you may be experiencing.
You never imagined going through this, but you will do just fine.
Be strong. You Got This!
Court Battles with the Narcissist
Video Courtesy of: Rebecca Zung
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The one question you thought you would never be asked by your ex, but here it is: “Can we be friends”? This is the person who tried to destroy you, mentally and physically. Treated you as if you meant nothing to them. Now they want to be friends?
Let us be honest, do you believe this is genuine?
This is just their way of continuing to control you, manipulate you. See if you will take them back. This is someone you want nothing to do with.
You don’t need them; if anything, they need you. It is only for supply.
If you are worried about being alone, you already were when you and the Narcissist were together. They were never there for you.
They are with their new or recycled supply, perhaps even married to them, and they claim to be happy. Are they trying to convince you, or themselves?
Besides, you are moving forward, taking care of yourself, and shifting the focus to what you want to do. You have a newfound freedom and a clear understanding of what you experienced when you were with the Narcissist.
I hope this helped you in some way. If you are going through this right now, you are stronger because of what you experienced. You will be okay.
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The term Gaslighting is used often, but what does it mean? It is a form of emotional abuse where you are left to question your own reality. You may hear from people who have had a boss or Doctor use that on them, so it is not only the toxic spouse, sibling, family member, or a trusted friend.
Some terms you will hear: “I never said that.” They will lie to you about something and change the subject, hoping to divert the conversation.
You made me act that way is a scapegoat tactic, putting the blame on the narcissist’s intended target, you.
Birthdays and anniversaries are often postponed for another day, but never dismiss their birthday celebration.
They make promises with no intent of keeping them. This could also include them saying they promise to get help or promise to do better.
More Lies.
They claim you lack spontaneity and fail to make plans. When you share your ideas, they often disregard them, only to later present them as their own. They take pleasure in claiming credit for others’ ideas.
When they plan something you are disinterested in, you reluctantly agree to avoid conflict or a temper tantrum. Then you are constantly asked, “Are you having fun?” Of course, there are some occasions when they take you someplace and you have fun.
Below is a video about the signs of Gaslighting, so you will know what to watch out for.
Signs Of Gaslighting
Video Courtesy: Psych2Go
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There are many symptoms you may or may not notice during a toxic relationship or marriage to a Narcissist.
Until the relationship finally ends.
The dismissive behavior, where they use those subtle jabs, is usually present throughout the relationship. Sleep disturbances and lack of sleep occur when they either talk to you, say something to upset you, or start a fight, knowing it will bother you. They will, of course, expect sex. While offering no apology.
Anxiety and Depression, this happens when you are constantly trying to make them happy, keep the peace, while you’re thoughts and feelings are being dismissed or ignored. Feeling like you are always walking on eggshells.
Accusations of your unfaithfulness, which are actually confessions. Causing you to defend yourself, as it lowers your self-esteem.
The Narcissist hates when you are sick or when your children are. The narcissist dislikes it when you or your children are not feeling well, as this requires effort from them; they do not show compassion or care. This behavior is off-putting.
I remember when they were not feeling well, dropping everything to tend to their needs. Even taking them to the hospital. But when I had surgery or a sick child in the hospital, did you think they stayed?
You experienced unexplained aches, pains, and exhaustion. This is a noticeable side effect that gradually diminishes as you heal after the end of the relationship.
Once the toxic person is removed from your life, you start to feel better and gain clarity on everything you experienced. Regaining your strength, self-worth, and confidence is a gradual process that helps eliminate self-doubt. It takes time to rebuild your strength, self-worth, and confidence while removing self-doubt.
You never look at them the same way ever again. It was you who had the caring, compassionate understanding, the love. This, you now realize, was never given to you in return.
They just watched as you slowly fell apart.
What they offered may have seemed significant because we believed the love they showed was real. We now know the truth. The most powerful gift of all was the awakening to your own worth—the undeniable truth that you are deserving of far more than they could ever provide. You gave them something they could never reciprocate. Genuine love.
I hope this post helps you gain more clarity.
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A Female Narcissist lacks empathy, much like a Male Narcissist. They are entitled and accusatory as well as manipulative, once they know they have you. The destruction begins, and it can start off subtly. Pretty soon, you lose your sense of self.
The Female Narcissist could be a boss, co-worker, or family member.
The traits are similar to a Male Narcissist. They crave attention, seeking validation, blame shifting, and admiration.
They are competitive, especially with other females. They are highly critical, just never be critical of them!
They do not take responsibility for their actions, have a victim mentality, seeking sympathy, and use people to get what they want, which can also include sex.
Healing from a breakup is the worst, but healing from a Narcissistic Discard is an entirely different situation.
When you are in a relationship with a kind, caring, loving partner and you break up, yes, you need time to heal. It is painful and sad, but you understand what went wrong as you start to heal and grow from the experience. You learn from it.
A narcissistic or toxic relationship is excruciating once it is over. You gave them so much while receiving little or nothing in return. You are left depleted of energy, emotion, and self.
There is no equal give and take.
Looking back, you find these to be true; they changed who you were as a person, isolated you from your friends, family, and your support system. They might move you away from them. This is so the Narcissist has complete control over you.
Healing takes time; there is no rushing through it. You need to grieve since this feels like a death. Whether it be a relationship or marriage. Each step can often feel like a step back; this is part of the process. Do not give up.
Being with them was a lesson; you were mistreated, devalued, ignored, taken for granted, and ridiculed. You did not know what Narcissistic Abuse was, what the red flags were.
You will slowly begin to understand that what you experienced was toxic, and you will never want to make that same mistake again.
A Narcissist does not feel any remorse for what they did to you, and will never get closure. You will give yourself closure when you understand why this happened.
This hard lesson has made you stronger, and you will begin to notice what red flags to watch for.
Part of the healing process is journaling. A great tool to gain some understanding of what you experienced.
The emotions you encounter when you are with a toxic or narcissistic individual can change from one minute to the next. You could be in a great mood until they come home, or if you are visited by a toxic family member who only complains as soon as they set foot into your home. Your great day is now ruined.
It is as if they are having a bad day; you should too. They thrive on chaos, stressing you out! It is exhausting!
This soon causes you anxiety, you don’t know who you will get when the door opens.
They hate seeing you show emotion. When you cry, they cannot be bothered.
The toll it takes on you is something you can’t explain.
If you ever go on vacation with them, it can be stressful. Diving dangerously, knowing that it makes you anxious. They don’t care. They become dismissive, yell at you, or begin gaslighting you, especially around friends.
They want you to feel how they feel deep down.
I was devastated after the discard, betrayed, and angry. Did I want revenge? At first, yes, but what good would that do? As he was packing his things, I never tried to stop or beg him to stay. I am pretty sure that after a while of the mind games, the cheating, the belittling. I was done with all of it.
I began to focus on myself, something you never have the chance to do when you are with a Narcissist. You were too busy jumping through hoops to make peace, to try making them happy, that was a losing battle.
The Discard was and still is a blessing, a gift.
I found peace, especially after going no contact, blocking them on social media, and deleting the photos of us. I used the gray rock method whenever I had to be face-to-face with them.
I watched a video today that I wanted to share. I think you will enjoy it. It’s by Mel Robbins
Going Beyond No Contact
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We often feel defeated, lost or confused and definitely angry once the relationship is over.
Now comes the healing process.
Most likely, I will be posting about this often, because it is very important to take care of yourself.
Here are some ideas to help you along the way.
Journaling – Get your thoughts and feelings on paper. You will have up days and down days, and that is completely normal. Writing daily about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is very therapeutic; it makes you feel better, giving you a greater understanding of what you experienced.
Holding in emotions will only make you feel worse.
Counseling – Talking to a professional, especially one who specializes in Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma, is essential. You want someone who will listen to you and guide you through the steps to healing. You may notice that after the first two sessions, you feel worse; this is a common occurrence, but do not get discouraged. It will get better.
Medication– Speak to your primary care physician, be honest, and tell them how you feel. Ask if a low-dose antidepressant is advised or another alternative to help if you are experiencing anxiety.
Meditation– Look for a quiet, distraction-free, relaxing space.
For those seeking a meditation and relaxation app, Calm is an excellent choice. They offer a trial version.
Self-Care – Focusing on yourself is vital, both mentally and physically. It is not selfish.
Write A Letter to yourself as well as your Ex – A letter to yourself can be a way to forgive yourself for everything you allowed because you didn’t set boundaries. You may have dismissed their behavior, not realizing the impact of toxic relationships, emotional abuse, or narcissism. Remember, you deserve so much better.
Writing a letter to your ex can be a way to express your feelings, including the disrespect and pain you’ve endured from their cowardly treatment. Let the words flow. Once you have finished writing the letters, consider burning them.
Delete photos of the two of you – Looking at them will only cause more pain and give you false hope of them possibly trying to reach out again. If you review those pictures, you’ll likely see the pain behind those eyes and come to realize that you were never happy when you were with them.
Delete and block their number and contact – This will not be easy, but it is necessary as you move forward. Be sure to block them on social media as well.
Reach out to Family and Friends – When you were with the Narcissist, they isolated you from those close to you. It is time to reconnect!
Yoga – This aligns with self-care and can be practiced at home if a yoga studio is not accessible. You can find great sessions on YouTube
Self-Reflect – You are not to blame for what happened, but understanding that they chose you for a reason, they knew you did not have proper boundaries in place, and the knowledge. You may have been a people pleaser, ignored the red flags, or been codependent.
This changes when you are healing, you understand what to watch for, know your worth, and set clear, strict boundaries.
Remember, A toxic individual is broken; it is not your responsibility to fix them.
Walk away, do not look back.
Let Them Go!!
I hope that this post was helpful to you.
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Let’s face it, a Narcissist or a toxic person can be great at distorting the truth; they take pleasure in manipulating anyone, even their own family, but of course, if you are out of the “situationship” with the narcissist, have emerged from the Narcissistic Fog or maybe even dodged The Love Bombing Stage. You know what I am talking about.
If you don’t, you soon will!
A Narcissist loves the chase, the control they can have over you, every aspect of your life. It even affects your decision-making as well as your memory. Personal space or privacy? That does not exist to the Narcissist, but they will demand it from you, going so far as to lock you out of your own room.
They control who you talk to, isolate you from friends and family. It feels like you are being held prisoner, oftentimes in your own home.
They demand your undivided attention, adoration, and praise. If you are using your phone, taking a call. They want to know who you are talking to. Try to do that to a Narcissist and you will be met with a temper tantrum or silent treatment, another manipulation tactic.
Another common tactic used for manipulation is Gaslighting, which leaves you to question your own reality.
Once you start realizing your worth and the abuse you have encountered, you will understand that what you have gone through was domestic abuse. Begin the process of educating yourself about Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, The Red Flags to look out for, and regain your independence, your sense of self.
This has made you a stronger person, someone who will not be manipulated, used, ridiculed, or taken advantage of. Ever again.
You are an incredible person, deserving of so much better. You matter.
Remember that.
I hope this information has been helpful. Feel free to share it with anyone who might find it informative.
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As you begin the healing process and the narcissistic fog begins to lift, you can now focus on yourself and getting your life back. One of the vital steps you need to take is to go no contact. This might not be easy if you have children together, but some apps can be used as a safer way to communicate.
Block them on social media. You do not need to know what they are doing, and they do not need to know what you are doing. It is no one’s business.
This is part of going no contact.
Now, if you do have to meet with them, using gray rock is best. Be stoic. Give short, emotionless responses. They will seek a reaction from you. Do not give them one.
Stay strong.
The next step is not easy, but necessary. I say this because you may be filled with uncertainty, or maybe thinking they will come back. After what they put you through, do you really want that?
Remove them from your contacts.
Removing their contact information is liberating; you won’t see their name pop up when your phone rings. Instead, ask them to correspond via email and set strict boundaries regarding this.
I hope this information has been helpful. If you plan to leave a toxic situation, please do NOT inform the other party. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help, your close friends, family, even law enforcement your own safety and well being is important.
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