Tag: TheCovertNarcissist

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The Changing Narcissist

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The Chameleon

Like the chameleon, a Narcissist is always changing to either fit in with everyone or hide who they really are.

A Narcissist will almost always change their taste in music, what they wear, and how they present themselves in front of others. Especially if it is to gain supply.

The hobbies or interests you have may suddenly also interest them. If you like photography

They will have an interest in it.

Some of the music you enjoy listening to will be played around you because they like it now. Of course, there will be times when they dislike it and will be vocal about it.

After a while, you find that the interests you once had are pushed aside, no longer enjoyable, because you are either being forced to do them or just too tired to do anything, since being with a Narcissist or a toxic person.

They have drained you.

Now you will notice a change. A Covert Narcissist, especially, will start to act indifferently towards you. You spend less and less time together. Yes, you will receive the occasional breadcrumbing to see if you are still interested, which will lead you to believe that everything is fine. it is not. This is part of their playbook.

They are focusing on a new supply. Your replacement. The next phase of the Narcissistic Cycle is always the Discard. The biggest change to their personality you will ever see and never forget. Their true self. The person behind the mask.

Time to shift the focus to you.

Self-Care Is Not Selfish

Looking ahead, now is a great opportunity to rediscover yourself, focus on your mental and physical health. The person you once were no longer exists.

Mourn what you thought “What could have been,” and know that you have a new start. Freedom.

Start doing what you enjoy. I mention this many times on different posts because it is important.

What have you always wanted to do but were held back by the Narcissist? You can do that now.

Read or listen to a good book. Start a journal whatever you want to do.

One thing I hear a lot about is doing Shadow Work healing and working on yourself. Personally, I enjoy learning about Stoicism

It is also beneficial in the healing process; you may discover tools that work specifically for you.

We need to educate ourselves, as well as others, about Narcissism and the many types to be aware of, not ignoring the signs. A narcissist can only hide behind many masks for so long before they become too burdensome.

We can change for the better, grow, and learn through this painful but necessary life lesson. While a Narcissist will never change for the better, unless they understand something within them is not right, and they get help.

They will only get worse and bitter as the cycle continues.

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What Happens After Narcissistic Abuse

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Self Reflection

Over the past few weeks, I have done quite a bit of this myself.

Not the “What Ifs” or anything like that. It was the realization of what I allowed to happen. I accepted the mistreatment for 30 years thinking it was normal behavior since I grew up with a Narcissistic Father.

It was abuse, not joking, not love, getting the bare minimum while I gave 100 percent in the relationship.

Love should not hurt, yet the Narcissist does everything they can to cause you to doubt yourself, belittle and isolate you.

Anyone who has experienced the discard knows the pain; it is like nothing you have ever endured.

I never knew how bad things were in our marriage until after they walked away from my life, only to begin a new life with someone else. You are left to pick up the pieces. To clean up the mess and the chaos they left behind.

Everyone around me knew about the manipulation and the mistreatment, except for a few of his friends, but they noticed a change.

Post-discard felt like being in Hell, the endless climb out of the depths of despair, anger, and a wide range of emotions. Sometimes, these feelings creep back, seemingly out of nowhere, while on other days, you feel fine.

The abuse encountered was 100 percent real, no question.

Trusting people again becomes a challenge. It is a big hurdle to jump over; this will take time, so go easy on yourself.

Personally, my expectations now are extremely high. I had to learn the tough lesson that my past relationships and even my marriage were doomed from the start. Because I was misled and used time and time again. I never set clear boundaries which caused many to take advantage and disrespect me or disregard my feelings.

At first, it felt like I wasted my time since the marriage felt one-sided, and they were only interested in what they could get. There is always a hidden agenda with a Narcissist, and no one deserves that kind of disrespect. They treat a complete stranger better than they treat you, which is unusual behavior. As well as a red flag.

We don’t need to be with someone who wants our undivided attention, constant admiration, or when our love is not reciprocated, only questioned.

This lesson did not leave me bitter. I am no longer the person I once was. I am indifferent, not a people pleaser. I have also come to understand, as I am sure you have. The person whom I thought I knew was not real. But the belittling, constant criticizing, that was real.

Once the mask becomes too heavy, it starts to fall apart and shatter. You see them for who they truly are.

I would not wish this experience on anyone, but I did learn from it. It may take a few times before you finally know your worth and realize this was not your fault, that you deserve love far more than what was given.

You will find yourself wondering, “What was I thinking?!”

The positive side, you can and will get through this. You will rise above all the pain and trauma and thrive. Meanwhile, they will be stuck in the toxic cycle.

Believe it or not, they gave you the gift of being independent. You were too strong for them.

Learn from your experiences, educate yourself about Narcissistic Abuse, and share this knowledge with someone who may be going through a similar situation.

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Divorcing A Narcissist

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The Games Continue

This doesn’t mean the fight is over when the marriage ends. A Narcissist will do what they can to drag the process and withhold what you are entitled to.

If you are in the early stages of divorce, have decided to file, be sure to find an excellent lawyer, one who understands Narcissism; they will be able to help you and will see through the games. Do not tell the Narcissist that you intend to file!

A Narcissist will be charming, maybe even compliant to you, your lawyer, and even the judge. Their goal is to portray you as someone unreliable and unstable. While they appear innocent.

Complete a separation agreement; if you share children, the lawyer will need their date of birth to determine if they are eligible for child support.

Calculate your expenses, divide whatever property you share, but communicate with your lawyer about what they need from you.

Any communication from your spouse should only go through your attorney. They will speak on your behalf. This will ease some of the anxiety you may be experiencing.

You never imagined going through this, but you will do just fine.

Be strong. You Got This!

Court Battles with the Narcissist

Video Courtesy of: Rebecca Zung

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Vacations With A Narcissist

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Far From Paradise

When we think of vacation, we envision peace, quiet, relaxation, without stress or worry.

But this is far from stress-free when you are on vacation with a Narcissist.

They are always in a hurry, making sure everything is packed, and they want to get to the destination early to avoid traffic. If you are causing them to fall behind schedule, you will hear about it the entire ride there.

They drive to endanger, most times well over the speed limit, to get you and everyone else in the vehicle stressed. If you tell them to slow down, they snap at you, so now the entire ride is nothing but silence.

Once you are on vacation, the Narcissist is nice to you and your children, acting as if they were not yelling and screaming not that long ago.

They are very friendly to the staff where you are staying, as well as to complete strangers.

You feel out of place as they relax on the sand after enjoying the ocean and playtime with the kids. You stayed back with everyone’s belongings and the perfect spot. The Narcissist says very little to you as they fall asleep.

Luckily you brought something to read.

As the vacation progresses, the kids are having fun, but you realize it is getting closer to returning home. Part of you does not want to leave. The ride home will be the same: stressful. But you go about the rest of the time there, having fun with the kids, this time walking ahead of the Narcissist, something they do not like. But they are not making a big deal about it.

Pretty soon, it was time to pack and return home, and the ride home was uneventful.

Right now, you wish you could be back on vacation instead.

This time, without the Narcissist.

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Gaslighting, Empty Promises, Toxic Tools of a Narcissist

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More Mind Games

The term Gaslighting is used often, but what does it mean? It is a form of emotional abuse where you are left to question your own reality. You may hear from people who have had a boss or Doctor use that on them, so it is not only the toxic spouse, sibling, family member, or a trusted friend.

Some terms you will hear: “I never said that.” They will lie to you about something and change the subject, hoping to divert the conversation.

You made me act that way is a scapegoat tactic, putting the blame on the narcissist’s intended target, you.

Birthdays and anniversaries are often postponed for another day, but never dismiss their birthday celebration.

They make promises with no intent of keeping them. This could also include them saying they promise to get help or promise to do better.

More Lies.

They claim you lack spontaneity and fail to make plans. When you share your ideas, they often disregard them, only to later present them as their own. They take pleasure in claiming credit for others’ ideas.

When they plan something you are disinterested in, you reluctantly agree to avoid conflict or a temper tantrum. Then you are constantly asked, “Are you having fun?” Of course, there are some occasions when they take you someplace and you have fun.

Below is a video about the signs of Gaslighting, so you will know what to watch out for.

Signs Of Gaslighting

Video Courtesy: Psych2Go

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The Healing Journey After Narcissistic Abuse

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Finding Yourself Again

Healing from a breakup is the worst, but healing from a Narcissistic Discard is an entirely different situation.

When you are in a relationship with a kind, caring, loving partner and you break up, yes, you need time to heal. It is painful and sad, but you understand what went wrong as you start to heal and grow from the experience. You learn from it.

A narcissistic or toxic relationship is excruciating once it is over. You gave them so much while receiving little or nothing in return. You are left depleted of energy, emotion, and self.

There is no equal give and take.

Looking back, you find these to be true; they changed who you were as a person, isolated you from your friends, family, and your support system. They might move you away from them. This is so the Narcissist has complete control over you.

Healing takes time; there is no rushing through it. You need to grieve since this feels like a death. Whether it be a relationship or marriage. Each step can often feel like a step back; this is part of the process. Do not give up.

Being with them was a lesson; you were mistreated, devalued, ignored, taken for granted, and ridiculed. You did not know what Narcissistic Abuse was, what the red flags were.

You will slowly begin to understand that what you experienced was toxic, and you will never want to make that same mistake again.

A Narcissist does not feel any remorse for what they did to you, and will never get closure. You will give yourself closure when you understand why this happened.

This hard lesson has made you stronger, and you will begin to notice what red flags to watch for.

Part of the healing process is journaling. A great tool to gain some understanding of what you experienced.

Counselling is also very beneficial. Look for one who specializes in trauma and psychological abuse. Here is a link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

One day, you will find that you no longer look back and wonder what they are doing, who they are with.

It is no longer your problem.

Let us work together to raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse!

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Tools to Help The Healing Process After A Toxic or Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

A New Beginning

We often feel defeated, lost or confused and definitely angry once the relationship is over.

Now comes the healing process.

Most likely, I will be posting about this often, because it is very important to take care of yourself.

Here are some ideas to help you along the way.

Journaling – Get your thoughts and feelings on paper. You will have up days and down days, and that is completely normal. Writing daily about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is very therapeutic; it makes you feel better, giving you a greater understanding of what you experienced.

Holding in emotions will only make you feel worse.

Counseling – Talking to a professional, especially one who specializes in Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma, is essential. You want someone who will listen to you and guide you through the steps to healing. You may notice that after the first two sessions, you feel worse; this is a common occurrence, but do not get discouraged. It will get better.

Medication– Speak to your primary care physician, be honest, and tell them how you feel. Ask if a low-dose antidepressant is advised or another alternative to help if you are experiencing anxiety.

Meditation– Look for a quiet, distraction-free, relaxing space.

For those seeking a meditation and relaxation app, Calm is an excellent choice. They offer a trial version.

Self-Care – Focusing on yourself is vital, both mentally and physically. It is not selfish.

Write A Letter to yourself as well as your Ex – A letter to yourself can be a way to forgive yourself for everything you allowed because you didn’t set boundaries. You may have dismissed their behavior, not realizing the impact of toxic relationships, emotional abuse, or narcissism. Remember, you deserve so much better.

Writing a letter to your ex can be a way to express your feelings, including the disrespect and pain you’ve endured from their cowardly treatment. Let the words flow. Once you have finished writing the letters, consider burning them.

Delete photos of the two of you – Looking at them will only cause more pain and give you false hope of them possibly trying to reach out again. If you review those pictures, you’ll likely see the pain behind those eyes and come to realize that you were never happy when you were with them.

Delete and block their number and contact – This will not be easy, but it is necessary as you move forward. Be sure to block them on social media as well.

Reach out to Family and Friends – When you were with the Narcissist, they isolated you from those close to you. It is time to reconnect!

Yoga – This aligns with self-care and can be practiced at home if a yoga studio is not accessible. You can find great sessions on YouTube

Here is one I personally recommend: https://yogawithadriene.com/

Self-Reflect – You are not to blame for what happened, but understanding that they chose you for a reason, they knew you did not have proper boundaries in place, and the knowledge. You may have been a people pleaser, ignored the red flags, or been codependent.

This changes when you are healing, you understand what to watch for, know your worth, and set clear, strict boundaries.

Remember, A toxic individual is broken; it is not your responsibility to fix them.

Walk away, do not look back.

Let Them Go!!

I hope that this post was helpful to you.

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Narcissistic Manipulator

The Puppet Master

Let’s face it, a Narcissist or a toxic person can be great at distorting the truth; they take pleasure in manipulating anyone, even their own family, but of course, if you are out of the “situationship” with the narcissist, have emerged from the Narcissistic Fog or maybe even dodged The Love Bombing Stage. You know what I am talking about.

If you don’t, you soon will!

A Narcissist loves the chase, the control they can have over you, every aspect of your life. It even affects your decision-making as well as your memory. Personal space or privacy? That does not exist to the Narcissist, but they will demand it from you, going so far as to lock you out of your own room.

They control who you talk to, isolate you from friends and family. It feels like you are being held prisoner, oftentimes in your own home.

They demand your undivided attention, adoration, and praise. If you are using your phone, taking a call. They want to know who you are talking to. Try to do that to a Narcissist and you will be met with a temper tantrum or silent treatment, another manipulation tactic.

Another common tactic used for manipulation is Gaslighting, which leaves you to question your own reality.

Once you start realizing your worth and the abuse you have encountered, you will understand that what you have gone through was domestic abuse. Begin the process of educating yourself about Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, The Red Flags to look out for, and regain your independence, your sense of self.

This has made you a stronger person, someone who will not be manipulated, used, ridiculed, or taken advantage of. Ever again.

You are an incredible person, deserving of so much better. You matter.

Remember that.

I hope this information has been helpful. Feel free to share it with anyone who might find it informative.

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Lessons Learned After Narcissistic Discard

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Mistakes Were Made

It is hard to believe it has been several years since the discard. I never would have imagined being in that situation, ever. But it was a repeated lesson I have finally learned from. In past relationships, I was used and taken advantage of. I had zero boundaries.

I know that a person will show their true self, and it is my fault that I ignored all those red flags; trust me, there were many!

When a person wants to know everything there is to know about you yet reveals little about themselves, be the better person and walk away.

The fast-moving relationship, yeah, ignored that too.

We encounter many life lessons; this one is one of the toughest.

The toxic person in our life gained trust and knew how to manipulate.

They put on a good show.

They love chaos! Purposely start an argument so you get upset. A person who genuinely loves and respects you will not do that; they will work the problem out with you, not walk away.

The narcissist is incapable of love. We love the person we thought they were, but we must remember that the most important person to love is ourselves.

You were always there for them, but were they ever truly there for you?

What you offered them was never enough; they raised the bar higher.

Anything they did for you came with strings attached.

They never appreciate what you do for them. My ex took me for granted, never felt bad about it, no apologies. Just bread crumbs in hopes that the mistreatment would be forgotten.

Before they discard you, they act indifferent, yet want friendship. They only want something from you to continue their twisted game.

Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

The big lesson: You deserve better! Once you understand all the Red Flags, your gut instinct will never be ignored again.

This was not your fault.

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Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The Endless Game

LoveBombing

You are pursued and showered with attention, maybe even gifts or compliments. It feels like a dream come true. Where has this person been? You are put on a pedestal. The relationship accelerates, but you are, unfazed.

GasLighting

They claim this tactic as a way to question your sanity when reminded of something they either said or promised. “I never said that”, or “You are crazy!” This leaves you completely confused.

DeValue

Everything they were once attracted to, they hate. The way you dress and your appearance, are criticized. Leaving you filled with self-doubt and very low self-esteem. Constantly second-guessing yourself. You wonder what you did wrong, and why they are treating you this way, so you change after apologizing. You notice that you are always tired, and forgetful, the aches and pains that you never had before. This is your body taking a toll on all of the abuse. This is something that you are unaware of at the moment.

Discard

This is the part that I would not wish on anyone. It is the most painful. This was their plan from the beginning, gaining their trust, knowing everything they can about you, so they can use that against you later.

You are blamed for the breakup or left believing you were the problem. It is a cruel, twisted game to them and if you wonder if they feel bad about it, they do not. The end game is to leave you broken. To destroy you. There is a very good chance that they have someone waiting for them.

To those who left the Narcissist, I commend you, it takes a lot of strength.

Hoover

This is simply just their way of trying to gain control over you again. By feeding you lies empty promises. Once you begin the healing process you do not hear from them. They have moved on with the new, or recycled supply. But once you have healed, move on. Set boundaries. Then they show up acting like nothing happened wanting to be with you. But it is not for the reason you think. They do not miss you, they are not sorry and they do not love you, they never did. The only agenda hurt you even more than the last time. Do Not Fall For it!

The cycle begins again.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse video by Rebecca Zung

further explains this topic

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