WhatisNarcissism – Up From The Ashes

June 19, 2025

What Happens After Narcissistic Abuse

Self Reflection

Over the past few weeks, I have done quite a bit of this myself.

Not the “What Ifs” or anything like that. It was the realization of what I allowed to happen. I accepted the mistreatment for 30 years thinking it was normal behavior since I grew up with a Narcissistic Father.

It was abuse, not joking, not love, getting the bare minimum while I gave 100 percent in the relationship.

Love should not hurt, yet the Narcissist does everything they can to cause you to doubt yourself, belittle and isolate you.

Anyone who has experienced the discard knows the pain; it is like nothing you have ever endured.

I never knew how bad things were in our marriage until after they walked away from my life, only to begin a new life with someone else. You are left to pick up the pieces. To clean up the mess and the chaos they left behind.

Everyone around me knew about the manipulation and the mistreatment, except for a few of his friends, but they noticed a change.

Post-discard felt like being in Hell, the endless climb out of the depths of despair, anger, and a wide range of emotions. Sometimes, these feelings creep back, seemingly out of nowhere, while on other days, you feel fine.

The abuse encountered was 100 percent real, no question.

Trusting people again becomes a challenge. It is a big hurdle to jump over; this will take time, so go easy on yourself.

Personally, my expectations now are extremely high. I had to learn the tough lesson that my past relationships and even my marriage were doomed from the start. Because I was misled and used time and time again. I never set clear boundaries which caused many to take advantage and disrespect me or disregard my feelings.

At first, it felt like I wasted my time since the marriage felt one-sided, and they were only interested in what they could get. There is always a hidden agenda with a Narcissist, and no one deserves that kind of disrespect. They treat a complete stranger better than they treat you, which is unusual behavior. As well as a red flag.

We don’t need to be with someone who wants our undivided attention, constant admiration, or when our love is not reciprocated, only questioned.

This lesson did not leave me bitter. I am no longer the person I once was. I am indifferent, not a people pleaser. I have also come to understand, as I am sure you have. The person whom I thought I knew was not real. But the belittling, constant criticizing, that was real.

Once the mask becomes too heavy, it starts to fall apart and shatter. You see them for who they truly are.

I would not wish this experience on anyone, but I did learn from it. It may take a few times before you finally know your worth and realize this was not your fault, that you deserve love far more than what was given.

You will find yourself wondering, “What was I thinking?!”

The positive side, you can and will get through this. You will rise above all the pain and trauma and thrive. Meanwhile, they will be stuck in the toxic cycle.

Believe it or not, they gave you the gift of being independent. You were too strong for them.

Learn from your experiences, educate yourself about Narcissistic Abuse, and share this knowledge with someone who may be going through a similar situation.

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May 8, 2025May 13, 2025

Divorcing A Narcissist

The Games Continue

This doesn’t mean the fight is over when the marriage ends. A Narcissist will do what they can to drag the process and withhold what you are entitled to.

If you are in the early stages of divorce, have decided to file, be sure to find an excellent lawyer, one who understands Narcissism; they will be able to help you and will see through the games. Do not tell the Narcissist that you intend to file!

A Narcissist will be charming, maybe even compliant to you, your lawyer, and even the judge. Their goal is to portray you as someone unreliable and unstable. While they appear innocent.

Complete a separation agreement; if you share children, the lawyer will need their date of birth to determine if they are eligible for child support.

Calculate your expenses, divide whatever property you share, but communicate with your lawyer about what they need from you.

Any communication from your spouse should only go through your attorney. They will speak on your behalf. This will ease some of the anxiety you may be experiencing.

You never imagined going through this, but you will do just fine.

Be strong. You Got This!

Court Battles with the Narcissist

Video Courtesy of: Rebecca Zung

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May 2, 2025

Gaslighting, Empty Promises, Toxic Tools of a Narcissist

More Mind Games

The term Gaslighting is used often, but what does it mean? It is a form of emotional abuse where you are left to question your own reality. You may hear from people who have had a boss or Doctor use that on them, so it is not only the toxic spouse, sibling, family member, or a trusted friend.

Some terms you will hear: “I never said that.” They will lie to you about something and change the subject, hoping to divert the conversation.

You made me act that way is a scapegoat tactic, putting the blame on the narcissist’s intended target, you.

Birthdays and anniversaries are often postponed for another day, but never dismiss their birthday celebration.

They make promises with no intent of keeping them. This could also include them saying they promise to get help or promise to do better.

More Lies.

They claim you lack spontaneity and fail to make plans. When you share your ideas, they often disregard them, only to later present them as their own. They take pleasure in claiming credit for others’ ideas.

When they plan something you are disinterested in, you reluctantly agree to avoid conflict or a temper tantrum. Then you are constantly asked, “Are you having fun?” Of course, there are some occasions when they take you someplace and you have fun.

Below is a video about the signs of Gaslighting, so you will know what to watch out for.

Signs Of Gaslighting

Video Courtesy: Psych2Go

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May 1, 2025

One Side Effect that you notice post-Narcissist Discard

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

How A Narcissist Affects Your Health

There are many symptoms you may or may not notice during a toxic relationship or marriage to a Narcissist.

Until the relationship finally ends.

The dismissive behavior, where they use those subtle jabs, is usually present throughout the relationship. Sleep disturbances and lack of sleep occur when they either talk to you, say something to upset you, or start a fight, knowing it will bother you. They will, of course, expect sex. While offering no apology.

Anxiety and Depression, this happens when you are constantly trying to make them happy, keep the peace, while you’re thoughts and feelings are being dismissed or ignored. Feeling like you are always walking on eggshells.

Accusations of your unfaithfulness, which are actually confessions. Causing you to defend yourself, as it lowers your self-esteem.

The Narcissist hates when you are sick or when your children are. The narcissist dislikes it when you or your children are not feeling well, as this requires effort from them; they do not show compassion or care. This behavior is off-putting.

I remember when they were not feeling well, dropping everything to tend to their needs. Even taking them to the hospital. But when I had surgery or a sick child in the hospital, did you think they stayed?

You experienced unexplained aches, pains, and exhaustion. This is a noticeable side effect that gradually diminishes as you heal after the end of the relationship.

Once the toxic person is removed from your life, you start to feel better and gain clarity on everything you experienced. Regaining your strength, self-worth, and confidence is a gradual process that helps eliminate self-doubt. It takes time to rebuild your strength, self-worth, and confidence while removing self-doubt.

You never look at them the same way ever again. It was you who had the caring, compassionate understanding, the love. This, you now realize, was never given to you in return.

They just watched as you slowly fell apart.

What they offered may have seemed significant because we believed the love they showed was real. We now know the truth. The most powerful gift of all was the awakening to your own worth—the undeniable truth that you are deserving of far more than they could ever provide. You gave them something they could never reciprocate. Genuine love.

I hope this post helps you gain more clarity.

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April 28, 2025

Traits Of A Female Narcissist

The Red Flags

A Female Narcissist lacks empathy, much like a Male Narcissist. They are entitled and accusatory as well as manipulative, once they know they have you. The destruction begins, and it can start off subtly. Pretty soon, you lose your sense of self.

The Female Narcissist could be a boss, co-worker, or family member.

The traits are similar to a Male Narcissist. They crave attention, seeking validation, blame shifting, and admiration.

They are competitive, especially with other females. They are highly critical, just never be critical of them!

They do not take responsibility for their actions, have a victim mentality, seeking sympathy, and use people to get what they want, which can also include sex.

Below is a very detailed look and a better understanding of The Female Narcissist

What You Need To Look For:

Video Courtesy of : Richard Grannon

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April 26, 2025

The Healing Journey After Narcissistic Abuse

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Finding Yourself Again

Healing from a breakup is the worst, but healing from a Narcissistic Discard is an entirely different situation.

When you are in a relationship with a kind, caring, loving partner and you break up, yes, you need time to heal. It is painful and sad, but you understand what went wrong as you start to heal and grow from the experience. You learn from it.

A narcissistic or toxic relationship is excruciating once it is over. You gave them so much while receiving little or nothing in return. You are left depleted of energy, emotion, and self.

There is no equal give and take.

Looking back, you find these to be true; they changed who you were as a person, isolated you from your friends, family, and your support system. They might move you away from them. This is so the Narcissist has complete control over you.

Healing takes time; there is no rushing through it. You need to grieve since this feels like a death. Whether it be a relationship or marriage. Each step can often feel like a step back; this is part of the process. Do not give up.

Being with them was a lesson; you were mistreated, devalued, ignored, taken for granted, and ridiculed. You did not know what Narcissistic Abuse was, what the red flags were.

You will slowly begin to understand that what you experienced was toxic, and you will never want to make that same mistake again.

A Narcissist does not feel any remorse for what they did to you, and will never get closure. You will give yourself closure when you understand why this happened.

This hard lesson has made you stronger, and you will begin to notice what red flags to watch for.

Part of the healing process is journaling. A great tool to gain some understanding of what you experienced.

Counselling is also very beneficial. Look for one who specializes in trauma and psychological abuse. Here is a link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

One day, you will find that you no longer look back and wonder what they are doing, who they are with.

It is no longer your problem.

Let us work together to raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse!

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April 22, 2025

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Narcissistic Abuse

Stop The Ride!

The emotions you encounter when you are with a toxic or narcissistic individual can change from one minute to the next. You could be in a great mood until they come home, or if you are visited by a toxic family member who only complains as soon as they set foot into your home. Your great day is now ruined.

It is as if they are having a bad day; you should too. They thrive on chaos, stressing you out! It is exhausting!

This soon causes you anxiety, you don’t know who you will get when the door opens.

They hate seeing you show emotion. When you cry, they cannot be bothered.

The toll it takes on you is something you can’t explain.

If you ever go on vacation with them, it can be stressful. Diving dangerously, knowing that it makes you anxious. They don’t care. They become dismissive, yell at you, or begin gaslighting you, especially around friends.

They want you to feel how they feel deep down.

I was devastated after the discard, betrayed, and angry. Did I want revenge? At first, yes, but what good would that do? As he was packing his things, I never tried to stop or beg him to stay. I am pretty sure that after a while of the mind games, the cheating, the belittling. I was done with all of it.

I began to focus on myself, something you never have the chance to do when you are with a Narcissist. You were too busy jumping through hoops to make peace, to try making them happy, that was a losing battle.

The Discard was and still is a blessing, a gift.

I found peace, especially after going no contact, blocking them on social media, and deleting the photos of us. I used the gray rock method whenever I had to be face-to-face with them.

I watched a video today that I wanted to share. I think you will enjoy it. It’s by Mel Robbins

Going Beyond No Contact

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April 10, 2025

Narcissistic Manipulator

The Puppet Master

Let’s face it, a Narcissist or a toxic person can be great at distorting the truth; they take pleasure in manipulating anyone, even their own family, but of course, if you are out of the “situationship” with the narcissist, have emerged from the Narcissistic Fog or maybe even dodged The Love Bombing Stage. You know what I am talking about.

If you don’t, you soon will!

A Narcissist loves the chase, the control they can have over you, every aspect of your life. It even affects your decision-making as well as your memory. Personal space or privacy? That does not exist to the Narcissist, but they will demand it from you, going so far as to lock you out of your own room.

They control who you talk to, isolate you from friends and family. It feels like you are being held prisoner, oftentimes in your own home.

They demand your undivided attention, adoration, and praise. If you are using your phone, taking a call. They want to know who you are talking to. Try to do that to a Narcissist and you will be met with a temper tantrum or silent treatment, another manipulation tactic.

Another common tactic used for manipulation is Gaslighting, which leaves you to question your own reality.

Once you start realizing your worth and the abuse you have encountered, you will understand that what you have gone through was domestic abuse. Begin the process of educating yourself about Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, The Red Flags to look out for, and regain your independence, your sense of self.

This has made you a stronger person, someone who will not be manipulated, used, ridiculed, or taken advantage of. Ever again.

You are an incredible person, deserving of so much better. You matter.

Remember that.

I hope this information has been helpful. Feel free to share it with anyone who might find it informative.

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March 10, 2025

Lessons Learned After Narcissistic Discard

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Mistakes Were Made

It is hard to believe it has been several years since the discard. I never would have imagined being in that situation, ever. But it was a repeated lesson I have finally learned from. In past relationships, I was used and taken advantage of. I had zero boundaries.

I know that a person will show their true self, and it is my fault that I ignored all those red flags; trust me, there were many!

When a person wants to know everything there is to know about you yet reveals little about themselves, be the better person and walk away.

The fast-moving relationship, yeah, ignored that too.

We encounter many life lessons; this one is one of the toughest.

The toxic person in our life gained trust and knew how to manipulate.

They put on a good show.

They love chaos! Purposely start an argument so you get upset. A person who genuinely loves and respects you will not do that; they will work the problem out with you, not walk away.

The narcissist is incapable of love. We love the person we thought they were, but we must remember that the most important person to love is ourselves.

You were always there for them, but were they ever truly there for you?

What you offered them was never enough; they raised the bar higher.

Anything they did for you came with strings attached.

They never appreciate what you do for them. My ex took me for granted, never felt bad about it, no apologies. Just bread crumbs in hopes that the mistreatment would be forgotten.

Before they discard you, they act indifferent, yet want friendship. They only want something from you to continue their twisted game.

Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

The big lesson: You deserve better! Once you understand all the Red Flags, your gut instinct will never be ignored again.

This was not your fault.

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March 8, 2025

Does A Narcissist Show Emotion?

Crocodile Tears

There are times when you may see them cry, but you never see tears. This I have personally seen firsthand.

They get angry, they laugh, and they have some moments of sadness. Everyone does, crying. This is what is commonly known as crocodile tears. They use it to gain sympathy, a form of manipulation. One of the many tactics used.

I think that after a while, we become indifferent to this behavior.

At least from what I have noticed, they look uncomfortable, a weird expression on their face when others show emotion. They hate seeing their own children cry. Have you encountered this?

It is completely acceptable to express your emotions; doing so does not make you weak. Your feelings are valid. If you are feeling upset, sad, or angry, it’s important to share those feelings with them. However, in the case of a Narcissist, such emotions are often suppressed by their spouse or children, as the Narcissist tends to invalidate these feelings.

If they are upset, they become very quiet, and we find ourselves apologizing.

The abuser’s tears are not genuine; as mentioned, they are a manipulation tactic. This tactic can also be employed during the hoover phase when they offer a fake apology.

I hope that this helped give you a better understanding of this topic.

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