Up From The Ashes, Author at Up From The Ashes

July 24, 2026July 24, 2026

Being With A Toxic Person is Like Navigating A Broken Canoe With Only One Oar

A green canoe resting on the grass near a body of water. — Photo by Ache Surya on Pexels.com

Feeling Invisible

Narcissistic Manipulation always begins at the start of the relationship, when they know they finally have you hooked. Anything that you say to the narcissist feels like they are either bored or disinterested, and this can make you feel defeated. Unheard. You are not imagining; a feeling like that is completely valid and understood by so many in a similar situation.

You are never more alone than when you are with a narcissist.

Whenever you approach them and express the need to talk to them, they are dismissive, get angry, or walk away. Getting the icy reception or silent treatment is one of the many red flags.

In any normal relationship, couples are free to speak their mind, share concerns, and find mutual ways to navigate through any situation that arises, free of the tension or the walking-on-eggshells anxiety we get when dealing with a narcissist.

The One Sided Relationship

Have you ever noticed that any decision or problem-solving falls onto you? This seems to be the common denominator in the toxic relationship. “You deal with it, I’m busy!”

This is especially true when children are involved; very little input is offered, and you are left feeling like both the Mother and Father while your partner does their own thing, as you feel lost and uncertain. They only show up when it makes them look good.

Anything that makes them look good in the eyes of others. An inflated ego is the ultimate goal.

You No Longer Recognize Who You Are

The face you see in pictures or when you look in the mirror is someone you no longer recognize. Because they tried to take that part away from you and use it for themselves. Your kindness, love, light, and the calm that you brought to the relationship are something they will never have. That was yours and yours alone.

The love, care, and compassion you expressed were completely genuine; unfortunately, theirs was not; that is the difference.

This does change you, but into a far better person with the knowledge of what you were exposed to; you were not weak, just mistreated by someone you thought had your interest and safety at heart. They did not.

This experience made you stronger, more aware of what to tolerate and watch out for, and that a relationship is between two people who genuinely love and respect one another- no mind games, no manipulation tactics or gaslighting. Those are the toxic tools of the narcissist.

Not the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Breaking Free From The Trauma Bond

The narcissistic manipulation can leave you confused: the breadcrumbing, then the cold shoulder. Feeling like you are an inconvenience to them. An apology from them is never genuine, even when you hold out hope that it was, or a promise made which is inevitably broken.

The hardest part of the trauma bond is that your brain gets wired to look for relief from the very person causing your pain. But true healing begins the moment you stop waiting for a version of them that doesn’t exist, and start trusting your own reality again.

The Toxic Friend

Toxic dynamics don’t just happen in romantic relationships; they often bleed into our friendships, too. Whenever they need something from you—whether it’s financial help or a constant stream of sympathy for a self-inflicted crisis—they only want what you can provide. These are the same “friends” who wear a smile to your face while tearing you down behind your back. Just like with a toxic partner, true friendship shouldn’t feel like a heavy debt you are constantly paying off.

Below is another very powerful, informative video by Unmasking Narcissists.

Talking about the narcissistic abuse cycle and how the plays are always the same.

July 10, 2026July 11, 2026

Your New Life Begins Now – Post Narcissistic Discard

Post Discard you will feel a renewed sense of calm and clarity and gain a better understanding of you enduring Narcissistic Abuse — Photo by Juanjo Menta on Pexels.com

Master Of Illusion

The Narcissistic Discard can leave you feeling unimaginable pain and loss, not only over the relationship but your own sense of self.

A relationship with a narcissist is always one-sided, and it’s something that you didn’t notice right away when the relationship was new; they had you believing everything was wonderful, perfect. There was always a way they fooled many.

They hid behind the mask during the relationship. During this time, the mistreatment continued, at points even escalated.

Eventually, their mask becomes heavy, and they can no longer hide their true self.

You did nothing wrong and were unaware of what narcissism was and what you were dealing with.

The narcissist needs to come to terms with the fact that they have to address the issues. Until then, the mistreatment continues; they get worse and blame others when things don’t go their way.

A narcissist needs help, but it is their responsibility to seek it.

It Does Get Better

The Post Narcissistic Discard is a long, rough road of recovery. In time, you will understand this was the freedom that was the gift given to you. The best thing you regained, too, was your peace. Something that was taken from you for far too long.

Through all of the chaos, the brain fog, that eventually lifts and you feel calm, no longer walking on eggshells.

Take this time to learn from what the experience has taught you, how you want to be treated. They had you accepting breadcrumbs when you deserved much more. The clarity you gain will surprise you. Bringing out a change in you: who you can trust, who was there for you through it all, and who wasn’t. As you grow, your circle naturally shifts. Losing some friends during this time is a normal part of outgrowing an environment that no longer aligns with your peace.

You are not the same person you once were.

That is the best part of your journey. You are not starting over; you are growing from the experience.

Knowing What To Look Out For

Now that you know the patterns, the red flags will be easier to spot—even when they are disguised. If something feels too good to be true, or if you notice these behaviors, trust your gut and walk away:

Constant Victimhood: They blame others for every conflict and never take accountability.
Boundary Disrespect: They view your personal needs as an inconvenience or a personal attack.
Extreme Defensiveness: They react with rage or contempt to even the mildest, kindest feedback.
Inconsistency: Their words and actions rarely align, often leaving you feeling confused.

If you see these signs, remember: you have the power to step back.

Below is a very informative video by Dr. Les Carter from Surviving Narcissism, in which he discusses the 7 lightbulb realizations you may notice after the Narcissistic Discard. I highly recommend that you watch it.

June 23, 2026June 23, 2026

The Manipulative Hold In A Narcissistic Relationship

A narcissist has so much control that they would convince you to walk across broken glass and enter the ocean

If You Loved Me…..

Establishing the manipulative hold in a narcissistic relationship often begins with a single, devastating phrase: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t question me.” This is almost always the most common weapon a toxic person uses to keep you off balance. As things progress, they introduce tactics like word salad to leave you completely confused. Ultimately, it is a grueling cycle, and those trapped in it eventually learn that choosing to not engage at all is the best way to handle it.

DARVO

When you try to address the manipulation or call out the toxic behavior, the dynamic often shifts into a highly calculated defensive strategy. Coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, DARVO stands for:

D – Deny: The narcissist completely denies the behavior ever happened. (“I never said that,” “You’re making things up.”)
A – Attack: They quickly pivot to attacking your credibility, character, or sanity for even bringing it up. (“You’re just looking for a fight,” “You’re too sensitive.”)
R – Reverse
V – Victim &
O – Offender: This is the ultimate flip. Consequently, they reshape the narrative so that they become the injured party, and you are labeled the abuser.

Reversing the Roles

When you bring up a valid concern or a hurt feeling, they don’t just dodge accountability; they actively rewrite history. Because the conversation quickly spirals through the word salad, you completely forget the original issue. You went into the discussion seeking clarity, but you walk away frantically defending your own character.

Why We Walk the Broken Glass

This is exactly how they maintain that manipulative hold. You find yourself agreeing to things you never did, or apologizing for reactions they provoked, just to keep the peace and stop the onslaught. It is a total eclipse of your reality.

Recognizing DARVO isn’t about learning how to argue better—it’s your cue to stop engaging entirely. When you realize the track is rigged, the only way to win is to step off the ride.

You Can’t Love Them Into Healing

Perhaps the hardest pill to swallow when breaking a manipulative hold is accepting that you cannot love someone into healing. For empathy-driven people, the natural response to a partner’s hidden pain or defensive rage is to offer more patience, more understanding, and more chances. But in a narcissistic dynamic, your love isn’t a tool for their transformation—it is simply the fuel that keeps the cycle running. They do not want to be cured; they want you to be compliant, and they will gladly let you walk across broken glass forever if it means they never have to look in the mirror.

The turning point only happens when you reclaim your energy. Once you stop responding, the spell breaks. The moment you withdraw your participation from their rigged game, the confusion loses its power, and the reality of the manipulation becomes clear.

In the video below, relationship expert Lisa Sonni briefly breaks down each type of narcissist. She explains how their tactics shift—from the silent treatment and deep-seated guilt trips to hidden, passive-aggressive rage—and why spotting these subtle red flags is the key to choosing yourself over a battle you can never win.

June 17, 2026July 22, 2026

The Narcissistic Abuse – Why was I Chosen?

Asking for help from a narcissist is anxiety driven and can make you feel guilty. Their helping you always comes at a price. — Photo by lalesh aldarwish on Pexels.com

The Plan

When you look back at the very beginning, everything suddenly comes into focus. It becomes clear that from the start, it was a calculated manipulation—a cruel, twisted game. During the love-bombing phase, helping you with whatever you needed was never a problem; they were always more than happy to step in.

Then comes The Aha! Moment you realize that eager helpfulness wasn’t kindness at all. It was a subtle form of control designed to make you completely dependent on them. This manufactured reliance is how the cycle of narcissistic abuse quietly begins.

Asking for Help After Narcissistic Abuse

Asking for help is something you were never truly allowed to do during the relationship or marriage. Whenever you reached out, you were met with endless excuses, guilt trips, eye rolls, and exasperated sighs. They deliberately made the “cost” of asking so exhausting that you eventually gave up entirely. From that moment on, you understood you were completely on your own to figure things out or get tasks done.

Healing through mind, body, and Spirit

After a narcissistic relationship, reaching out for support is not just okay—it is essential. Healing from this specific type of trauma takes an immense amount of time, patience, and deep understanding.

Coming to terms with the fact that the relationship wasn’t real is heartbreaking, and it isn’t something you should have to handle alone. Talking to a qualified therapist or a trauma-informed professional is a crucial first step in putting the broken pieces back together. Seeking guidance is never a sign of weakness; it is an act of profound courage.

A Hard Lesson

To make matters worse, a narcissist will eagerly rush to help a total stranger before they ever offer a hand to you. Why? Because a stranger offers them a fresh audience for their performative kindness, whereas helping you offers no immediate reward. But let’s not forget, if the roles were reversed, you were expected to drop everything to cater to them. This jarring double standard is one of the many toxic behaviors that define a narcissistic abusive relationship.

Rebuilding Your Life

Reclaiming your life is a journey built on small, daily choices. Learning to trust yourself again after enduring abuse consists of tiny steps forward—and sometimes, frustrating steps back. That is a completely normal part of the process.

Start tackling the things you were hesitant to try or learn on your own while you were with them. The moment you fix something yourself, finish a hard task, or step out of your comfort zone, you aren’t just accomplishing a goal. You are actively regaining the independence that was stripped away from you.

If you need a safe space and regular encouragement as you navigate your own journey of rising from the ashes, consider joining our community on Substack.

June 13, 2026July 22, 2026

The Narcissist Upgrade and Downgrade: Inside the Cycle of Abuse

A theatrical face mask split down the middle: the left side is a smooth, clean white, while the right side is heavily cracked, darkened, and fractured.

Endgame is always the same.

The relationship with a narcissist is a carbon copy of any person they have been with before you and after you.

They recycle every single tactic—from love bombing to the subtle moves they deploy to lower your guard and gain your admiration.

While gaining a narcissist upgrade or new supply can take some time, their playbook is identical. Every time. When they turn so cold and calculated, it leaves many survivors asking, does a narcissist show emotion, or is it all just part of the act? The unsettling truth is that every move is recycled.

The Shiny Toy vs The Used Toy

Anyone who has experienced Narcissistic Abuse will tell you the same thing.

“My ex tried to come back into my life”.

During the discard phase, they merely place you back on the shelf. They plan to circle back later, acting on the assumption that you remain broken.

Right now, the new toy is on full display, just like you once were. They parade them around to friends and family because it makes them feel powerful and important.

But over time, the narcissist becomes bored. The new toy loses its shine. The narcissist tosses it aside and brings the ‘used’ toy back into the game.

Once someone falls into this trap, the cycle inevitably restarts. Anyone taking them back is either toxic themselves or entirely unaware of the emotional manipulation.

The Realization

“Once you see them for who they really are, the game is over. You can’t unsee it, and you never look at them the same way again.”

The narcissistic cycle is entirely predictable.

But once you see the blueprint, everything changes

As soon as you realize they engineered the ‘upgrade’ as a deception and the ‘downgrade’ merely serves as an attention grab, the game is over.

The only way to truly win a game that is rigged from the start is to stop playing. Choose yourself. Depending on your situation, that means learning when to use No Contact vs. Gray Rock to set ironclad boundaries and walk away for good.

When you do, you take back the power they tried so hard to steal.

You are the author of your own story, not a toy to be shelved.

In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down the mechanics of the devalue and discard phases, offering an in-depth understanding of what really happens behind the scenes when a narcissist locks onto a new supply.

Author: Up From The Ashes