Feeling Used
I heard this comment before and was taken aback. It is one that I had never heard before until much later.
It makes so much sense now.
I was the narcissist’s doormat. Nothing I did was appreciated, it was expected. Anxiety was through the roof and a sense of dread washed over me as I saw his vehicle approach the driveway, never knowing if I would be met with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
Looking back on the early stages of the situationship before marriage, I was being controlled and manipulated, but I did not know it at the time. You may be wondering, How did you not know? It was combined with charm, and there was lots of it—with a bit of guilt.
I realize now besides being manipulated I was used, and taken advantage of. At some point, I mentally checked out. Unfortunately, I was still being walked all over.
I let it happen because, in some strange way, I thought it was love. I was very mistaken.
After he grew tired of breadcrumbing. He decided to walk away after we spent many years together. But when he left, I never went after him, to make him stay. I was hurt and devastated but then I came to realize that the marriage only meant something to me. It was one-sided. He was never really there for me like I had been for him. He took so much, yet gave so little in return.
Now there is peace. I am no longer a doormat, a sounding board. That is someone else’s problem now.
I dodged a bullet.
So, as you grieve, understand that it is completely normal to do that. You are mourning what you thought was real. You are no longer the doormat, their sounding board.
Give yourself time. You will learn and grow from this experience and are so much more deserving of love and respect.
I hope this helped in some way.
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Up From The Ashes 