Tag: TheRedFlags

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What Happens After Narcissistic Abuse

A man in deep introspection sitting next to a stack of books, reflects on a toxic relationship
Photo by Na Urchin on Pexels.com

Self Reflection

Over the past few weeks, I have done quite a bit of this myself. Not the “What Ifs” or anything like that, but truly processing the reality of narcissistic abuse and realizing what I allowed to happen. I accepted the mistreatment for 30 years thinking it was normal behavior since I grew up with a Narcissistic Father.”

It was abuse, not joking, not love, getting the bare minimum while giving 100 percent in the relationship.

Love should not hurt. The Narcissist does everything they can to cause you to doubt yourself, belittle and isolate you from your friends and family.

The Reality of the Discard

Anyone who has experienced the discard knows the pain; it is like nothing you have ever endured.

I never knew how bad things were in our marriage until after they walked away from my life, only to begin a new life with someone else. You are left to pick up the pieces. To clean up the mess and the chaos they left behind.

While everyone around me knew about the manipulation and the mistreatment, they stayed silent.

Post-discard felt like being in Hell, the endless climb out of the depths of despair, anger, and a wide range of emotions. Sometimes, these feelings creep back, seemingly out of nowhere, while on other days, you feel fine.

The abuse encountered was 100 percent real, no question.

Learning to Trust Again

Trusting people again becomes a challenge. Jumping over this hurdle does take time, so go easy on yourself.

Personally, my expectations now are extremely high. Because I never set clear boundaries, partners easily misled and used me time and time again. This allowed them to take advantage of my trust and disregard my feelings.

A toxic person only cares about what they can get from you.

There is always a hidden agenda with a Narcissist, and no one deserves that kind of disrespect.

They treat a complete stranger better than they treat you, which is unusual behavior. As well as a red flag.

We don’t need to be with someone who demands our undivided attention and constant admiration, or who questions our love instead of reciprocating it.

This lesson did not leave me bitter. No longer am I the person I once was. I am indifferent, not a people pleaser. I have also come to understand, as I am sure you have. The person whom I thought I knew was not real. But the belittling, constant criticizing, that was real.

Once the mask becomes too heavy, it starts to fall apart and shatter. You see them for who they truly are.

The important thing to remember is to know you’re worth so much more than the bare minimum that was given to you

You will find yourself wondering, “What was I thinking?!”

Rising Above the Trauma

The positive side, you can and will get through this. You will rise above all the pain and trauma and thrive. They will be stuck in the toxic cycle.

Believe it or not, they gave you the gift of being independent. You were too strong for them.

Learn from your experiences, educate yourself about Narcissistic Abuse, and share this knowledge with someone who may be going through a similar situation.

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The Sneaky Way a Narcissist Tries to Control You

Can We Be Friends?

The one question you thought you would never be asked by your ex, but here it is: “Can we be friends”? This is the person who tried to destroy you, mentally and physically. Treated you as if you meant nothing to them. Now they want to be friends?

Let us be honest, do you believe this is genuine?

This is just their way of continuing to control you, manipulate you. See if you will take them back. This is someone you want nothing to do with.

You don’t need them; if anything, they need you. It is only for supply.

If you are worried about being alone, you already were when you and the Narcissist were together. They were never there for you.

They are with their new or recycled supply, perhaps even married to them, and they claim to be happy. Are they trying to convince you, or themselves?

Besides, you are moving forward, taking care of yourself, and shifting the focus to what you want to do. You have a newfound freedom and a clear understanding of what you experienced when you were with the Narcissist.

I hope this helped you in some way. If you are going through this right now, you are stronger because of what you experienced. You will be okay.

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Vacations With A Narcissist

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Far From Paradise

When we think of vacation, we envision peace, quiet, relaxation, without stress or worry.

But this is far from stress-free when you are on vacation with a Narcissist.

They are always in a hurry, making sure everything is packed, and they want to get to the destination early to avoid traffic. If you are causing them to fall behind schedule, you will hear about it the entire ride there.

They drive to endanger, most times well over the speed limit, to get you and everyone else in the vehicle stressed. If you tell them to slow down, they snap at you, so now the entire ride is nothing but silence.

Once you are on vacation, the Narcissist is nice to you and your children, acting as if they were not yelling and screaming not that long ago.

They are very friendly to the staff where you are staying, as well as to complete strangers.

You feel out of place as they relax on the sand after enjoying the ocean and playtime with the kids. You stayed back with everyone’s belongings and the perfect spot. The Narcissist says very little to you as they fall asleep.

Luckily you brought something to read.

As the vacation progresses, the kids are having fun, but you realize it is getting closer to returning home. Part of you does not want to leave. The ride home will be the same: stressful. But you go about the rest of the time there, having fun with the kids, this time walking ahead of the Narcissist, something they do not like. But they are not making a big deal about it.

Pretty soon, it was time to pack and return home, and the ride home was uneventful.

Right now, you wish you could be back on vacation instead.

This time, without the Narcissist.

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Gaslighting, Empty Promises, Toxic Tools of a Narcissist

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More Mind Games

The term Gaslighting is used often, but what does it mean? It is a form of emotional abuse where you are left to question your own reality. You may hear from people who have had a boss or Doctor use that on them, so it is not only the toxic spouse, sibling, family member, or a trusted friend.

Some terms you will hear: “I never said that.” They will lie to you about something and change the subject, hoping to divert the conversation.

You made me act that way is a scapegoat tactic, putting the blame on the narcissist’s intended target, you.

Birthdays and anniversaries are often postponed for another day, but never dismiss their birthday celebration.

They make promises with no intent of keeping them. This could also include them saying they promise to get help or promise to do better.

More Lies.

They claim you lack spontaneity and fail to make plans. When you share your ideas, they often disregard them, only to later present them as their own. They take pleasure in claiming credit for others’ ideas.

When they plan something you are disinterested in, you reluctantly agree to avoid conflict or a temper tantrum. Then you are constantly asked, “Are you having fun?” Of course, there are some occasions when they take you someplace and you have fun.

Below is a video about the signs of Gaslighting, so you will know what to watch out for.

Signs Of Gaslighting

Video Courtesy: Psych2Go

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Tools to Help The Healing Process After A Toxic or Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

A New Beginning

We often feel defeated, lost or confused and definitely angry once the relationship is over.

Now comes the healing process.

Most likely, I will be posting about this often, because it is very important to take care of yourself.

Here are some ideas to help you along the way.

Journaling – Get your thoughts and feelings on paper. You will have up days and down days, and that is completely normal. Writing daily about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is very therapeutic; it makes you feel better, giving you a greater understanding of what you experienced.

Holding in emotions will only make you feel worse.

Counseling – Talking to a professional, especially one who specializes in Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma, is essential. You want someone who will listen to you and guide you through the steps to healing. You may notice that after the first two sessions, you feel worse; this is a common occurrence, but do not get discouraged. It will get better.

Medication– Speak to your primary care physician, be honest, and tell them how you feel. Ask if a low-dose antidepressant is advised or another alternative to help if you are experiencing anxiety.

Meditation– Look for a quiet, distraction-free, relaxing space.

For those seeking a meditation and relaxation app, Calm is an excellent choice. They offer a trial version.

Self-Care – Focusing on yourself is vital, both mentally and physically. It is not selfish.

Write A Letter to yourself as well as your Ex – A letter to yourself can be a way to forgive yourself for everything you allowed because you didn’t set boundaries. You may have dismissed their behavior, not realizing the impact of toxic relationships, emotional abuse, or narcissism. Remember, you deserve so much better.

Writing a letter to your ex can be a way to express your feelings, including the disrespect and pain you’ve endured from their cowardly treatment. Let the words flow. Once you have finished writing the letters, consider burning them.

Delete photos of the two of you – Looking at them will only cause more pain and give you false hope of them possibly trying to reach out again. If you review those pictures, you’ll likely see the pain behind those eyes and come to realize that you were never happy when you were with them.

Delete and block their number and contact – This will not be easy, but it is necessary as you move forward. Be sure to block them on social media as well.

Reach out to Family and Friends – When you were with the Narcissist, they isolated you from those close to you. It is time to reconnect!

Yoga – This aligns with self-care and can be practiced at home if a yoga studio is not accessible. You can find great sessions on YouTube

Here is one I personally recommend: https://yogawithadriene.com/

Self-Reflect – You are not to blame for what happened, but understanding that they chose you for a reason, they knew you did not have proper boundaries in place, and the knowledge. You may have been a people pleaser, ignored the red flags, or been codependent.

This changes when you are healing, you understand what to watch for, know your worth, and set clear, strict boundaries.

Remember, A toxic individual is broken; it is not your responsibility to fix them.

Walk away, do not look back.

Let Them Go!!

I hope that this post was helpful to you.

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