Tag: narcissist

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The Emotional Rollercoaster of Narcissistic Abuse

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Stop The Ride!

The emotions you encounter when you are with a toxic or narcissistic individual can change from one minute to the next. You could be in a great mood until they come home, or if you are visited by a toxic family member who only complains as soon as they set foot into your home. Your great day is now ruined.

It is as if they are having a bad day; you should too. They thrive on chaos, stressing you out! It is exhausting!

This soon causes you anxiety, you don’t know who you will get when the door opens.

They hate seeing you show emotion. When you cry, they cannot be bothered.

The toll it takes on you is something you can’t explain.

If you ever go on vacation with them, it can be stressful. Diving dangerously, knowing that it makes you anxious. They don’t care. They become dismissive, yell at you, or begin gaslighting you, especially around friends.

They want you to feel how they feel deep down.

I was devastated after the discard, betrayed, and angry. Did I want revenge? At first, yes, but what good would that do? As he was packing his things, I never tried to stop or beg him to stay. I am pretty sure that after a while of the mind games, the cheating, the belittling. I was done with all of it.

I began to focus on myself, something you never have the chance to do when you are with a Narcissist. You were too busy jumping through hoops to make peace, to try making them happy, that was a losing battle.

The Discard was and still is a blessing, a gift.

I found peace, especially after going no contact, blocking them on social media, and deleting the photos of us. I used the gray rock method whenever I had to be face-to-face with them.

I watched a video today that I wanted to share. I think you will enjoy it. It’s by Mel Robbins

Going Beyond No Contact

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Tools to Help The Healing Process After A Toxic or Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

A New Beginning

We often feel defeated, lost or confused and definitely angry once the relationship is over.

Now comes the healing process.

Most likely, I will be posting about this often, because it is very important to take care of yourself.

Here are some ideas to help you along the way.

Journaling – Get your thoughts and feelings on paper. You will have up days and down days, and that is completely normal. Writing daily about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is very therapeutic; it makes you feel better, giving you a greater understanding of what you experienced.

Holding in emotions will only make you feel worse.

Counseling – Talking to a professional, especially one who specializes in Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma, is essential. You want someone who will listen to you and guide you through the steps to healing. You may notice that after the first two sessions, you feel worse; this is a common occurrence, but do not get discouraged. It will get better.

Medication– Speak to your primary care physician, be honest, and tell them how you feel. Ask if a low-dose antidepressant is advised or another alternative to help if you are experiencing anxiety.

Meditation– Look for a quiet, distraction-free, relaxing space.

For those seeking a meditation and relaxation app, Calm is an excellent choice. They offer a trial version.

Self-Care – Focusing on yourself is vital, both mentally and physically. It is not selfish.

Write A Letter to yourself as well as your Ex – A letter to yourself can be a way to forgive yourself for everything you allowed because you didn’t set boundaries. You may have dismissed their behavior, not realizing the impact of toxic relationships, emotional abuse, or narcissism. Remember, you deserve so much better.

Writing a letter to your ex can be a way to express your feelings, including the disrespect and pain you’ve endured from their cowardly treatment. Let the words flow. Once you have finished writing the letters, consider burning them.

Delete photos of the two of you – Looking at them will only cause more pain and give you false hope of them possibly trying to reach out again. If you review those pictures, you’ll likely see the pain behind those eyes and come to realize that you were never happy when you were with them.

Delete and block their number and contact – This will not be easy, but it is necessary as you move forward. Be sure to block them on social media as well.

Reach out to Family and Friends – When you were with the Narcissist, they isolated you from those close to you. It is time to reconnect!

Yoga – This aligns with self-care and can be practiced at home if a yoga studio is not accessible. You can find great sessions on YouTube

Here is one I personally recommend: https://yogawithadriene.com/

Self-Reflect – You are not to blame for what happened, but understanding that they chose you for a reason, they knew you did not have proper boundaries in place, and the knowledge. You may have been a people pleaser, ignored the red flags, or been codependent.

This changes when you are healing, you understand what to watch for, know your worth, and set clear, strict boundaries.

Remember, A toxic individual is broken; it is not your responsibility to fix them.

Walk away, do not look back.

Let Them Go!!

I hope that this post was helpful to you.

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Narcissistic Manipulator

The Puppet Master

Let’s face it, a Narcissist or a toxic person can be great at distorting the truth; they take pleasure in manipulating anyone, even their own family, but of course, if you are out of the “situationship” with the narcissist, have emerged from the Narcissistic Fog or maybe even dodged The Love Bombing Stage. You know what I am talking about.

If you don’t, you soon will!

A Narcissist loves the chase, the control they can have over you, every aspect of your life. It even affects your decision-making as well as your memory. Personal space or privacy? That does not exist to the Narcissist, but they will demand it from you, going so far as to lock you out of your own room.

They control who you talk to, isolate you from friends and family. It feels like you are being held prisoner, oftentimes in your own home.

They demand your undivided attention, adoration, and praise. If you are using your phone, taking a call. They want to know who you are talking to. Try to do that to a Narcissist and you will be met with a temper tantrum or silent treatment, another manipulation tactic.

Another common tactic used for manipulation is Gaslighting, which leaves you to question your own reality.

Once you start realizing your worth and the abuse you have encountered, you will understand that what you have gone through was domestic abuse. Begin the process of educating yourself about Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, The Red Flags to look out for, and regain your independence, your sense of self.

This has made you a stronger person, someone who will not be manipulated, used, ridiculed, or taken advantage of. Ever again.

You are an incredible person, deserving of so much better. You matter.

Remember that.

I hope this information has been helpful. Feel free to share it with anyone who might find it informative.

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Lessons Learned After Narcissistic Discard

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Mistakes Were Made

It is hard to believe it has been several years since the discard. I never would have imagined being in that situation, ever. But it was a repeated lesson I have finally learned from. In past relationships, I was used and taken advantage of. I had zero boundaries.

I know that a person will show their true self, and it is my fault that I ignored all those red flags; trust me, there were many!

When a person wants to know everything there is to know about you yet reveals little about themselves, be the better person and walk away.

The fast-moving relationship, yeah, ignored that too.

We encounter many life lessons; this one is one of the toughest.

The toxic person in our life gained trust and knew how to manipulate.

They put on a good show.

They love chaos! Purposely start an argument so you get upset. A person who genuinely loves and respects you will not do that; they will work the problem out with you, not walk away.

The narcissist is incapable of love. We love the person we thought they were, but we must remember that the most important person to love is ourselves.

You were always there for them, but were they ever truly there for you?

What you offered them was never enough; they raised the bar higher.

Anything they did for you came with strings attached.

They never appreciate what you do for them. My ex took me for granted, never felt bad about it, no apologies. Just bread crumbs in hopes that the mistreatment would be forgotten.

Before they discard you, they act indifferent, yet want friendship. They only want something from you to continue their twisted game.

Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

The big lesson: You deserve better! Once you understand all the Red Flags, your gut instinct will never be ignored again.

This was not your fault.

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The Aging Narcissist

Lies, Lies and More Lies

This comes so easily for a Narcissist, especially when there is zero accountability. They believe everything they say, and looking into their eyes can make them uncomfortable.

Yet they seem to have a hard time believing anyone else. If you call them out for it, be prepared for the rage!

They often blame shift or change the conversation to something else in hopes that you will forget and we all know that part of Narcissistic Abuse is brain fog. It is a part of their sick game to make you feel like you are going crazy. So they can blame you for the problems in the situation ship.

People often wonder, does the Narcissist change? They do change, yes, just not in the way you hope. They get worse and will not seek help, blaming you as the problem. Never accepting accountability.

There are the self aware Narcissists who I have personally watched on YouTube and they offer greater insight as to how a Narcissist is and when they realized they needed help.

They present you with a better understanding by sharing their own experience.

Video by: Mental Healness

I hope that this video and post are helpful.

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Have I Married A Narcissist?

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From Fairy Tale to Nightmare

The “situationship” with this person feels like nothing you have ever experienced. You would be absolutely right.

In the early stages, everything seems perfect, too good to be true.

Once the celebration is over and you have returned from your honeymoon, things slowly start to change. They are subtle, and of course, you might dismiss them. The insults start small, similar to when you were dating. Now, there are high expectations, and the bar is slowly rising. You do whatever you can to make them happy. They seem appreciative. But the bar is just continuously moved higher.

Over time you find that the person you lovingly greeted at the door is now always on edge and you feel like it is something you did, becoming a bit anxious. Maybe they had a bad day at work?

They complain about work during dinner and you listen. Thinking to yourself, they never wanted to hear about my day, it was always, leave work problems, at work.

Soon it is about the meals you cook for them. As well as how you dress and clean the house, as they go through the once-cleaned house like the Tasmanian devil tossing things everywhere. Still, you are now expected to wait on them. Now you feel sad, it is like their bad mood has affected you.

“Relationships” or being married to a Narcissist are complicated and misunderstood. You feel like the only one steering the boat with one paddle, while the other person sits and criticizes.

It takes work, compromise, understanding and patience to keep any relationship going good and bad. People who love and respect each other will do what needs to be done to make it work. Not just keep the peace, you should be able to voice your concerns without keeping things bottled up.

A Narcissist will not do that, even if there are children involved. They will not put in the work, or discuss problems or concerns that you might have. They would rather walk away.

You no longer feel like their spouse, more like a parent or maid. Because that is how you are treated, no one deserves that.

Believe me, if you have children, they definitely notice this mistreatment but will not say anything, mostly out of fear.

A Narcissist can love you one minute and resent you the next. This also goes for their own children. The love a child gives a Narcissistic parent is never reciprocal, merely a transaction.

The marriage is, in their eyes, a big production where they basically put on a performance that fools everyone, yes, even you.

This is another way they gain control. Your finances, claiming that you don’t know how to handle them, so they want to take over the responsibility. This causes bills, often times in your name. To be delinquent. Do not let them be in control of your finances! You will never see it, and when they tell you, “My money is our money,” The truth is your money is their money, their money is also theirs. It comes down to you asking for money, especially if it is a joint account. They do not make it easier for you

I hope this post helped shed some light on what you may be experiencing now. If you know someone who is, please feel free to share. It could be helpful.

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Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship

Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship – Love Bombing

The Love Bombing Phase is characterized by intense efforts to impress you. Giving you lots of attention. Maybe even buy you gifts. They actively pursue you, call you frequently, and are very attentive to your needs. Going above and beyond to help you. They love everything about you, flaws and all. You can do no wrong.

They seem so perfect, you wonder how lucky you are to find someone so loving and caring. You share the same interests.

You are surrounded by love, attention, and admiration. You have never felt so happy and cherished.

You are put on a pedestal.


Stage Two The Honeymoon Phase – Idealization

The Honeymoon Phase of A Narcissistic Relationship
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Never Felt This Way Before!

Yes, it is exactly how it sounds! You both seem to be totally and completely in love with one another. Time apart feels like an eternity. You call each other or find that they call constantly. Your phone rings nonstop as they try to reach you, but you think it’s so sweet that no one else has cared so much about you and your day.

But, that’s ok, right.?

NO!

This is a form of manipulation, not love or genuine concern. A huge Red Flag!

Stage Three – Devalue

This is when the Narcissist has you feel awful about yourself, with very low self-esteem, to the point where they will give you a compliment, but you have trouble believing them. Especially when they give you backhanded compliments, which are no more than insults.

They act like they care less and less about you, giving the silent treatment, pushing you away.

The once sweet, caring, and loving person is beginning to resent you, and their mask has started to slip. You feel confused and at fault, but this is also part of their game.

They have a backup supply waiting for them.

Stage Four – Discard

Since they have someone waiting for them, whether it be someone new, an ex. It does not matter.

This situation is the most cruel and seems to have been planned from the start of the relationship. You find yourself at your most vulnerable, feeling broken and lacking self-worth. They used you until you became just a shell of your former self. They took what they could from you, everything that made you who you are. Everything they took advantage of. Now that you are no longer of any use to them, you are left feeling confused and shattered.

This is when the mask slips; gone is the kind, caring expression. You are now looking at the face of evil.

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Pets and The Narcissist

Unconditional Love? Not From A Narcissist

Pets offer their owners love, protection, and loyalty and only want that in return.

They are very instinctive. They can tell when something is not right. Some have been known to sense that their owners are sick, and they are protective when they sense danger.

The Narcissist appears caring and concerned and helps you take care of the pet until the novelty wears off and the responsibility falls on you.

This is usually when you see the mask of the Narcissist begin to slip, you are focusing the attention on your pet, not the Narcissist who acts like a child having a tantrum. They get angry because they are not the main focus of your attention.

They start to isolate and ignore you. This causes confusion and worry. You wonder if you once again have done something wrong to cause their strange behavior. This tactic leaves you feeling like you are walking on eggshells.

You did nothing wrong.

This is Narcissistic Abuse

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Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The Endless Game

LoveBombing

You are pursued and showered with attention, maybe even gifts or compliments. It feels like a dream come true. Where has this person been? You are put on a pedestal. The relationship accelerates, but you are, unfazed.

GasLighting

They claim this tactic as a way to question your sanity when reminded of something they either said or promised. “I never said that”, or “You are crazy!” This leaves you completely confused.

DeValue

Everything they were once attracted to, they hate. The way you dress and your appearance, are criticized. Leaving you filled with self-doubt and very low self-esteem. Constantly second-guessing yourself. You wonder what you did wrong, and why they are treating you this way, so you change after apologizing. You notice that you are always tired, and forgetful, the aches and pains that you never had before. This is your body taking a toll on all of the abuse. This is something that you are unaware of at the moment.

Discard

This is the part that I would not wish on anyone. It is the most painful. This was their plan from the beginning, gaining their trust, knowing everything they can about you, so they can use that against you later.

You are blamed for the breakup or left believing you were the problem. It is a cruel, twisted game to them and if you wonder if they feel bad about it, they do not. The end game is to leave you broken. To destroy you. There is a very good chance that they have someone waiting for them.

To those who left the Narcissist, I commend you, it takes a lot of strength.

Hoover

This is simply just their way of trying to gain control over you again. By feeding you lies empty promises. Once you begin the healing process you do not hear from them. They have moved on with the new, or recycled supply. But once you have healed, move on. Set boundaries. Then they show up acting like nothing happened wanting to be with you. But it is not for the reason you think. They do not miss you, they are not sorry and they do not love you, they never did. The only agenda hurt you even more than the last time. Do Not Fall For it!

The cycle begins again.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse video by Rebecca Zung

further explains this topic

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The Doormat

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Feeling Used

I heard this comment before and was taken aback. It is one that I had never heard before until much later.

It makes so much sense now.

I was the narcissist’s doormat. Nothing I did was appreciated, it was expected. Anxiety was through the roof and a sense of dread washed over me as I saw his vehicle approach the driveway, never knowing if I would be met with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.

Looking back on the early stages of the situationship before marriage, I was being controlled and manipulated, but I did not know it at the time. You may be wondering, How did you not know? It was combined with charm, and there was lots of it—with a bit of guilt.

I realize now besides being manipulated I was used, and taken advantage of. At some point, I mentally checked out. Unfortunately, I was still being walked all over.

I let it happen because, in some strange way, I thought it was love. I was very mistaken.

After he grew tired of breadcrumbing. He decided to walk away after we spent many years together. But when he left, I never went after him, to make him stay. I was hurt and devastated but then I came to realize that the marriage only meant something to me. It was one-sided. He was never really there for me like I had been for him. He took so much, yet gave so little in return.

Now there is peace. I am no longer a doormat, a sounding board. That is someone else’s problem now.

I dodged a bullet.

So, as you grieve, understand that it is completely normal to do that. You are mourning what you thought was real. You are no longer the doormat, their sounding board.

Give yourself time. You will learn and grow from this experience and are so much more deserving of love and respect.

I hope this helped in some way.

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