Tag: mental-health

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Lessons Learned After Narcissistic Discard

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Mistakes Were Made

It is hard to believe it has been several years since the discard. I never would have imagined being in that situation, ever. But it was a repeated lesson I have finally learned from. In past relationships, I was used and taken advantage of. I had zero boundaries.

I know that a person will show their true self, and it is my fault that I ignored all those red flags; trust me, there were many!

When a person wants to know everything there is to know about you yet reveals little about themselves, be the better person and walk away.

The fast-moving relationship, yeah, ignored that too.

We encounter many life lessons; this one is one of the toughest.

The toxic person in our life gained trust and knew how to manipulate.

They put on a good show.

They love chaos! Purposely start an argument so you get upset. A person who genuinely loves and respects you will not do that; they will work the problem out with you, not walk away.

The narcissist is incapable of love. We love the person we thought they were, but we must remember that the most important person to love is ourselves.

You were always there for them, but were they ever truly there for you?

What you offered them was never enough; they raised the bar higher.

Anything they did for you came with strings attached.

They never appreciate what you do for them. My ex took me for granted, never felt bad about it, no apologies. Just bread crumbs in hopes that the mistreatment would be forgotten.

Before they discard you, they act indifferent, yet want friendship. They only want something from you to continue their twisted game.

Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

The big lesson: You deserve better! Once you understand all the Red Flags, your gut instinct will never be ignored again.

This was not your fault.

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Does A Narcissist Show Emotion?

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Crocodile Tears

There are times when you may see them cry, but you never see tears. This I have personally seen firsthand.

They get angry, they laugh, and they even mimic moments of sadness. But when it comes to true grief or remorse, what you are seeing are “crocodile tears.” They use these displays to gain sympathy—a form of manipulation disguised as love. It is just one of many toxic tactics used to keep you off-balance.

I think that after a while, we become indifferent to this behavior.

The Manipulation Playbook: Weddings, Births, Graduations and Funerals

You might see a narcissist show intense emotion during major life milestones, but is it genuine, or is it a calculated play right out of their playbook?

  • At a Wedding: They aren’t moved by love or commitment. They are intoxicated by the spotlight, the crowd’s validation, and the successful acquisition of their partner. They are simply playing a role perfectly to feed their public image.
  • The Birth of a Baby: A newborn is a major threat to a narcissist because attention shifts away from them. If they show pride, it’s transactional—they view the baby as an extension of themselves to brag about. Yet, they hate seeing their own children cry later on because a crying child requires selfless empathy, which they cannot provide.
  • A Child’s Graduation: This is the ultimate stage for “achievement by association.” They aren’t celebrating the hard work, late nights, or the future of their child. Instead, they view the diploma as a direct reflection of their superior parenting. They will hijack conversations at the celebration to ensure every guest knows the success wouldn’t have been possible without them, effectively stealing their child’s moment.
  • At a Funeral: This is where the crocodile tears truly come out. They mimic profound grief not to honor the lost soul, but to siphon sympathy and attention from the room. They want everyone to comfort them.

At least from what I have noticed, they look uncomfortable, a weird expression on their face when others show emotion. Have you encountered this in your own life?

It is completely acceptable to express your emotions; doing so does not make you weak. Your feelings are valid. In a healthy dynamic, it is important to share when you are feeling upset, sad, or angry. However, when dealing with a narcissist, those exact emotions are suppressed by the spouse or children because the narcissist completely invalidates them.

The Silent Treatment

When a narcissist is upset, they don’t communicate—they punish you with weaponized silence. This chilling shift is designed to make you feel anxious and responsible for their mood. Before you know it, you find yourself walking on eggshells, apologizing for things you didn’t even do just to break the ice and restore the peace.

This is why an abuser’s tears are never genuine. They are a calculated weapon, frequently used during the “hoover phase” when the silent treatment stops and they attempt to pull you back into the cycle with a deeply dramatic, fake apology.

I hope this helps you make sense of the emotional void behind their mask. Have you witnessed these fake displays or experienced the silent treatment? Please feel free to like, share, and comment below to share your story—let’s keep getting our lives back together.

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The Aging Narcissist

Lies, Lies and More Lies

This comes so easily for a Narcissist, especially when there is zero accountability. They believe everything they say, and looking into their eyes can make them uncomfortable.

Yet they seem to have a hard time believing anyone else. If you call them out for it, be prepared for the rage!

They often blame shift or change the conversation to something else in hopes that you will forget and we all know that part of Narcissistic Abuse is brain fog. It is a part of their sick game to make you feel like you are going crazy. So they can blame you for the problems in the situation ship.

People often wonder, does the Narcissist change? They do change, yes, just not in the way you hope. They get worse and will not seek help, blaming you as the problem. Never accepting accountability.

There are the self aware Narcissists who I have personally watched on YouTube and they offer greater insight as to how a Narcissist is and when they realized they needed help.

They present you with a better understanding by sharing their own experience.

Video by: Mental Healness

I hope that this video and post are helpful.

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Have I Married A Narcissist?

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From Fairy Tale to Nightmare

The “situationship” with this person feels like nothing you have ever experienced. You would be absolutely right.

In the early stages, everything seems perfect, too good to be true.

Once the celebration is over and you have returned from your honeymoon, things slowly start to change. They are subtle, and of course, you might dismiss them. The insults start small, similar to when you were dating. Now, there are high expectations, and the bar is slowly rising. You do whatever you can to make them happy. They seem appreciative. But the bar is just continuously moved higher.

Over time you find that the person you lovingly greeted at the door is now always on edge and you feel like it is something you did, becoming a bit anxious. Maybe they had a bad day at work?

They complain about work during dinner and you listen. Thinking to yourself, they never wanted to hear about my day, it was always, leave work problems, at work.

Soon it is about the meals you cook for them. As well as how you dress and clean the house, as they go through the once-cleaned house like the Tasmanian devil tossing things everywhere. Still, you are now expected to wait on them. Now you feel sad, it is like their bad mood has affected you.

“Relationships” or being married to a Narcissist are complicated and misunderstood. You feel like the only one steering the boat with one paddle, while the other person sits and criticizes.

It takes work, compromise, understanding and patience to keep any relationship going good and bad. People who love and respect each other will do what needs to be done to make it work. Not just keep the peace, you should be able to voice your concerns without keeping things bottled up.

A Narcissist will not do that, even if there are children involved. They will not put in the work, or discuss problems or concerns that you might have. They would rather walk away.

You no longer feel like their spouse, more like a parent or maid. Because that is how you are treated, no one deserves that.

Believe me, if you have children, they definitely notice this mistreatment but will not say anything, mostly out of fear.

A Narcissist can love you one minute and resent you the next. This also goes for their own children. The love a child gives a Narcissistic parent is never reciprocal, merely a transaction.

The marriage is, in their eyes, a big production where they basically put on a performance that fools everyone, yes, even you.

This is another way they gain control. Your finances, claiming that you don’t know how to handle them, so they want to take over the responsibility. This causes bills, often times in your name. To be delinquent. Do not let them be in control of your finances! You will never see it, and when they tell you, “My money is our money,” The truth is your money is their money, their money is also theirs. It comes down to you asking for money, especially if it is a joint account. They do not make it easier for you

I hope this post helped shed some light on what you may be experiencing now. If you know someone who is, please feel free to share. It could be helpful.

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Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship

Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship – Love Bombing

The Love Bombing Phase is characterized by intense efforts to impress you. Giving you lots of attention. Maybe even buy you gifts. They actively pursue you, call you frequently, and are very attentive to your needs. Going above and beyond to help you. They love everything about you, flaws and all. You can do no wrong.

They seem so perfect, you wonder how lucky you are to find someone so loving and caring. You share the same interests.

You are surrounded by love, attention, and admiration. You have never felt so happy and cherished.

You are put on a pedestal.


Stage Two The Honeymoon Phase – Idealization

The Honeymoon Phase of A Narcissistic Relationship
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Never Felt This Way Before!

Yes, it is exactly how it sounds! You both seem to be totally and completely in love with one another. Time apart feels like an eternity. You call each other or find that they call constantly. Your phone rings nonstop as they try to reach you, but you think it’s so sweet that no one else has cared so much about you and your day.

But, that’s ok, right.?

NO!

This is a form of manipulation, not love or genuine concern. A huge Red Flag!

Stage Three – Devalue

This is when the Narcissist has you feel awful about yourself, with very low self-esteem, to the point where they will give you a compliment, but you have trouble believing them. Especially when they give you backhanded compliments, which are no more than insults.

They act like they care less and less about you, giving the silent treatment, pushing you away.

The once sweet, caring, and loving person is beginning to resent you, and their mask has started to slip. You feel confused and at fault, but this is also part of their game.

They have a backup supply waiting for them.

Stage Four – Discard

Since they have someone waiting for them, whether it be someone new, an ex. It does not matter.

This situation is the most cruel and seems to have been planned from the start of the relationship. You find yourself at your most vulnerable, feeling broken and lacking self-worth. They used you until you became just a shell of your former self. They took what they could from you, everything that made you who you are. Everything they took advantage of. Now that you are no longer of any use to them, you are left feeling confused and shattered.

This is when the mask slips; gone is the kind, caring expression. You are now looking at the face of evil.

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Pets and The Narcissist

Unconditional Love? Not From A Narcissist

Pets offer their owners love, protection, and loyalty and only want that in return.

They are very instinctive. They can tell when something is not right. Some have been known to sense that their owners are sick, and they are protective when they sense danger.

The Narcissist appears caring and concerned and helps you take care of the pet until the novelty wears off and the responsibility falls on you.

This is usually when you see the mask of the Narcissist begin to slip, you are focusing the attention on your pet, not the Narcissist who acts like a child having a tantrum. They get angry because they are not the main focus of your attention.

They start to isolate and ignore you. This causes confusion and worry. You wonder if you once again have done something wrong to cause their strange behavior. This tactic leaves you feeling like you are walking on eggshells.

You did nothing wrong.

This is Narcissistic Abuse

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Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The Endless Game

LoveBombing

You are pursued and showered with attention, maybe even gifts or compliments. It feels like a dream come true. Where has this person been? You are put on a pedestal. The relationship accelerates, but you are, unfazed.

GasLighting

They claim this tactic as a way to question your sanity when reminded of something they either said or promised. “I never said that”, or “You are crazy!” This leaves you completely confused.

DeValue

Everything they were once attracted to, they hate. The way you dress and your appearance, are criticized. Leaving you filled with self-doubt and very low self-esteem. Constantly second-guessing yourself. You wonder what you did wrong, and why they are treating you this way, so you change after apologizing. You notice that you are always tired, and forgetful, the aches and pains that you never had before. This is your body taking a toll on all of the abuse. This is something that you are unaware of at the moment.

Discard

This is the part that I would not wish on anyone. It is the most painful. This was their plan from the beginning, gaining their trust, knowing everything they can about you, so they can use that against you later.

You are blamed for the breakup or left believing you were the problem. It is a cruel, twisted game to them and if you wonder if they feel bad about it, they do not. The end game is to leave you broken. To destroy you. There is a very good chance that they have someone waiting for them.

To those who left the Narcissist, I commend you, it takes a lot of strength.

Hoover

This is simply just their way of trying to gain control over you again. By feeding you lies empty promises. Once you begin the healing process you do not hear from them. They have moved on with the new, or recycled supply. But once you have healed, move on. Set boundaries. Then they show up acting like nothing happened wanting to be with you. But it is not for the reason you think. They do not miss you, they are not sorry and they do not love you, they never did. The only agenda hurt you even more than the last time. Do Not Fall For it!

The cycle begins again.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse video by Rebecca Zung

further explains this topic

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The Doormat

While in a toxic or Narcissistic Abusive relationship, you are treated like a doormat
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Feeling Used: The Many Facets of a Narcissistic Abuse Relationship

Have you ever taken a step back once the relationship ends and noticed how you were treated unfairly?

The phrase “Treated like a Doormat” is something rarely heard, but so is Narcissistic Abuse

It makes so much sense now.

The feeling of what used to be excitement when you saw their vehicle enter the driveway, has been replaced with overwhelming anxiety and dread.

The Reality of “Situationships” and Control

Looking back on the early stages of the situationship before marriage, I was being controlled and manipulated, but I did not know it at the time. You may be wondering, How did you not know? It was combined with charm, and there was lots of it—with a bit of guilt.

I realize now besides being manipulated I was used, and taken advantage of. At some point, I mentally checked out. Unfortunately, I was still being walked all over.

I let it happen because, in some strange way, I thought it was love. I was very mistaken.

The Turning Point: Walking Away From One-Sided Love

After he grew tired of breadcrumbing. He decided to walk away after we spent many years together. But when he left, I never went after him, to make him stay. I was hurt and devastated but then I came to realize that the marriage only meant something to me. It was one-sided. He was never really there for me like I had been for him. He took so much, yet gave so little in return.

Now there is peace. I am no longer a doormat, a sounding board. That is someone else’s problem now.

I dodged a bullet.

Reclaiming Your Life and Healing

So, as you grieve, understand that it is completely normal to do that. You are mourning what you thought was real. You are no longer the doormat, their sounding board.

Give yourself time. You will learn and grow from this experience and are so much more deserving of love and respect.

I hope this helped in some way.

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When The Fog Lifts

Was it all in my head?

During the relationship, or as I refer to it as the “Situationship” many things happen, the memories are only bits and pieces and not all with a warm fuzzy feeling.

You were emotionally and physically exhausted and your health was suffering, as well as your mood.

You felt alone, isolated, and miserable, constantly jumping through hoops to please them or simply to keep the peace, only that felt like a never-ending battle.

Once you either find the courage and inner strength to leave, or you were discarded. You begin to go through the may stages of grief, because in a sense, it was a death.

You begin to realize how much you allowed yourself to put up with the disrespect, the lies, empty promises, and cheating. The list goes on.

Bit by bit you will find that some memories come back, thankfully, not all at once!

The realization of the mental abuse causes you to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and of course anger, all completely normal reactions.

So much of your life was stolen from you. It’s realized now that it was all a lie.

The other realization was that how you treated people and how you were treated made you, not yourself. The Abuse made you a shell of your former self.

Now you understand, you were manipulated, isolated from your Family, Friends and picked apart by the Narcissist. You felt as if you were walking on eggshells, never knowing what kind of mood you were about to face.

Now, it is time to shift the focus to you, and your mental and physical health. Reconnect with friends and family. Go to counseling, maybe even keep a journal, and start a hobby. All the things you could not do while you were with the Narcissist.

Now go take back your independence!

Below is a video by NarcDaily his videos are very informative and have helped me as well.

The Narcissistic Fog

I hope this post was helpful to you!

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The Aha Moment

The Awakening

Now I know I am not the only one who has experienced this, post discard you find yourself going through a wide range of emotions, all completely normal, by the way

You then find yourself searching the internet with the symptoms you encountered, and what you experienced, then you see the word Narcissism finally a name and all the symptoms appear to fit

YouTube has some valuable information on the subject and although you have gained some greater knowledge on the subject, you still find there is more to learn. After all, you need to know the red flags to watch out for so you don’t repeat the same mistake. It’s a very hard lesson to learn and heal from.

This was not a normal, healthy relationship.

The topic is all over it. You knew something wasn’t right but constantly felt that you were to blame for everything. You did not imagine it.

Narcissistic Abuse is real and now you want to educate yourself on the subject. This information could be helpful to others.

Waking Up To Narcissistic Abuse- Video By: Lisa A Romano

I hope this video helped you understand that this was not your fault. It also gives you a better understanding of what you went through

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